The Miles Rausch Family Website

…his Christmas wish list on Amazon is four pages long and 98% of the items are priced outside of our gift budget.

That’s when a girl’s got to get creative.

One year ago from this date, at almost this exact time, our hearts broke. Just a few months earlier, our lives had changed forever. Then, in an instant, they changed forever again.

It took over six months before my body was healed. While I’ve gained acceptance and some peace, hearing others’ stories of losing their babies–reminding me of who we will never be able to hold–I realize my heart is not yet healed. A year seems like a long time, but I remember being in that room and looking at the ultrasound like it was yesterday. I even remember the name of the sonographer–Joshi. “Well guys, I have bad news.” I remember crying for days. And days. My heart is still very raw. With this pregnancy, every cramp, every twinge of pain, every feeling, I wonder, “Is this it? Am I losing another baby?” I got the H1N1 vaccine and while I was confident that I was making the right decision, I still thought, “Did I just doom my baby?”

Part of it, I’m sure, is being pregnant again. Pulling out the maternity clothes I bought, but never got the chance to wear. And I remember why I never got to wear them. I think about Christmas and how this will be the last year where it’s just the two of us. And I remember thinking that last year, too. These things will soon pass, as I’m further along now and will start to experience things that won’t remind me of last time.

Doubt took a very long time to pass. Like I didn’t have enough to be upset about, the thought that maybe the sonographer got it wrong would creep in my head. And maybe the doctor wasn’t paying very close attention. Maybe the baby’s just small. I thought later that maybe I should have gotten another opinion. What if I had just “waited it out”? And my body not healing like it should have just fueled the fire that maybe my body was resisting for a reason. The agony of wondering whether or not medicine had screwed up was unbearable. Through this pregnancy, however, the doubt is gone. I had an ultrasound at 5 weeks and what I saw there, was much different than what I saw a year ago, at 12 weeks. I can’t say it resembled a baby at 5 weeks, but it was something and it wasn’t an empty uterus.

I can’t say I’m thankful this happened to us. And I don’t even know if that’s a place I’m supposed to be some day. I just know I’m not there now. But I have still found blessings in a very difficult year.

We found a doctor that we love. We found her, because she was on-call on the Saturday morning that I went into triage for an “urgent” D&C. I switched my care to her almost immediately. She took me seriously, took action to get my body back on track and cares about us. She did a happy dance when she found out we were pregnant again. I am thankful for my doctor.

A friend stepped up to listen and ask questions, because she had suffered loss too. I was able to share my feelings, however surprising they were to me, and know she’d been there. She kept me sane and out of a dark place. I am thankful for my friend.

I now have a permanent position as a designer for a university that is family-friendly and flexible. I love what I do and who I work with. The stress of finding permanent employment is lifted. I am thankful for my job.

I found the motivation to lose weight and meet major weight-loss goals. I am thankful for my health.

I found that in this tough time, Miles and I are not torn apart, but grow closer. I know I’m not alone in this hurting. I am thankful for my husband.

We’re almost 19 weeks pregnant. While not impossible, we most likely would not be having this baby now, if we just had a baby in June. I am thankful for my pregnancy.

The nice thing about announcing you’re pregnant on the internet is you all don’t immediately look at my belly.

There were people sneaking glances at 8 weeks to see if they can see anything! I know I hadn’t gained more than a couple pounds and I certainly wasn’t close to “showing”. But what makes it bad is then I spend the rest of the day wondering what decision they came to. Do they think I’m showing? I mean sure, after losing all that weight, I’ve still got a little fat pouch that I wasn’t able to get rid of before pregnancy. Do they think my fat pouch is a baby?

So thank you, internet, for not looking at my fat pouch and making a mental decision one way or the other. I’ve got enough to be paranoid about.

For the record, I accepted this weekend that I am, in fact, showing. But only a teeny tiny bit, I’m only 14 weeks. The uterus is getting bigger and is moving and it has pushed out the lower part of my belly. I can tell, and Miles can tell, but I don’t know if others can. If I try on a maternity top, I look way more pregnant. Also, it turns out people are very generous when it comes to hand-me-down maternity clothes and early baby gifts. And that is wonderful.

Today is my last day at the City.

After a few months of pushing out my end-date, the extra room in the budget in my department has run out. It’s not unexpected. In fact, we’ve known it would happen from day one when I was hired in September. This position has always been a temporary one. It’s funny though, because even though I’ve been temporary from the get-go, I’ve been with the City as a designer longer than I have anywhere else. Granted, that’s mostly because every other place I’ve worked (except one) has been as a student in internship-like design positions. So really, my temporary position has been the most stable and long-lasting. Even my coworkers welcomed me like I had been there forever, and would continue to be. I was given projects that had longer deadlines. I was treated like I would be there for a while. They assumed I’d be there. And they were right. I started out at 10 hours, which quickly grew to 20 hours, and then finally 30 in October.

I’m a classified employee in Media Services, which means the things I work on are considered confidential (not everything is, obviously, because they are produced for the public, but many things are for internal use only) and that is why I haven’t posted anything I’ve done on HolliRausch.com.

Most of my days were spent working on small tasks:

• fliers
• posters
• banners
• brochures
• updating previous artwork/content
• data entry
• production work (binding, copying, laminating, grommeting, etc.).

However, there were some larger and more in-depth projects I worked on as well:

• 2009 calendar sent to every Sioux Falls resident
• Police department billboards (2 locations)
• Media Services’ office artwork
• Banners for conventions/trade shows

I was notified of my official end-date last Wednesday. The very next day, I was offered (and accepted) a position as a Graphic Designer with the University of Sioux Falls. I will start in a week. The timing couldn’t be more perfect. The only way I can explain it is that it’s God’s timing. I obviously had no control as to when the budget would dwindle nor if I’d ever again be offered a job in my field. It’s about the same hours as at the City, but since I will be the only graphic designer in-house, and this is a new position, we foresee that I will be very busy and my hours might increase. While I had a very positive experience with the City, and learned a lot, I am anxious to move forward with USF in a permanent setting and with a great group of people trying to make some changes.

There will be no pomp and circumstance. No party. We won’t divulge in treats. There will just be some good lucks and stay in touches as I leave at 4 p.m. and my coworkers return to their desks. I prefer it that way.

We finally have some pictures of our house. The place is put together and completely unpacked. Things might not be in their final resting place, but they’re out of their boxes at least! That’s further than we got in the apartment…we ran out of places to put our stuff!

Check out the rest of the set, Our House.